just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
