i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
