420 ftw
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
