Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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