when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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