theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
