mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
