I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He's on the porch naked. Help.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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