im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
