Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
