Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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