I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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