I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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