you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
