you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
