god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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