I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
