listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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