Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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