Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
