Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
