I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
