margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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