Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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