i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
