Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
