I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
