I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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