i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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