I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
