I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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