Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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