Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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