True but thats because hes a fetus.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
