I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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