He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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