Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So much Jack, so little girl.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
