Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
