Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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