Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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