dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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