My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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