you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
