it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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