I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
