I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The best revenge is premature balding
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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