Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
