It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
