The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
