I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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