hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
